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Table of Contents

I'm a single girl
and I have stories I feel the need to tell, including the one about the death of a relationship and its resurrection in the "New Fiction" section at Barnes & Noble …

Just when Hilary Winston is finally getting her life together she finds out her ex-boyfriend wrote an unflattering novel about her, referring to her as the "fat-assed girlfriend." This sends her into a downward spiral that's sometimes hilarious, and other times heartbreaking, causing her to question that almost-five-year relationship - as well as every relationship she's had before and after it. Now Hilary reveals her dirty laundry in a laugh-out-loud, non-fiction book written for every woman who's ever been dumped.

The Exes

  • The Shy Pooper Asked me to leave his apartment the morning after break-up sex because he had to poop and couldn't do it with me in the apartment.
  • The Pre-Famous Dude We agreed we would only hang out for one night. No strings attached. I didn't want anything from him yet somehow he managed to break-up with me anyway. Then he became famous. I should have slept with him.
  • My Gay Ex-Boyfriend #3 Would rather watch a handicapped woman rape scene in "Stir of Echoes" than fool around with me. That's when I figured out he might be gay.
  • Austin Powers Jr. I thought he was the funniest most original guy I'd ever met. He had a small friend he called "Mini-Me" and he was always "randy, baby". I hadn't seen "Austin Powers" and once I watched it with him I realized he wasn't funny or original or the guy for me.
  • Gary, My Crazy-ass Horny Mailman Gary dyed his white hair jet black and insisted I liked reggae music and insisted we should go to a baseball game. I insisted he just deliver my mail and try asking out a woman around his own age, seventy.
  • The Texas Titty Twister I'd never heard of "nipple play" before him. He was way way too much work.

Looking for a Readers Guide? Download the PDF here

Excerpt from Part 1: My Boyfriend Wrote A Book About Me
"I Am the Fat-assed Girlfriend"

"In this store full of so many books, so many better reviewed books, I can only see his. His name. The name I used to scribble on yellow legal pads, adding Mrs. to the front of it like a fourth-grade girl on the back of a school bus. The name I thought would be on my wedding invitations and monogrammed stationary, towels and party napkins. The name I thought I would give to my kids. But instead, his name is on this book and on someone else's legal pad. And I can't breathe." Next Excerpt >

Excerpt from Part 2: My Boyfriend Wrote A Book About Me
"I Know You're in There, Whore!"

"There's nothing like that feeling of waiting for a guy. It's the loneliest feeling in the world. Holding that cell phone in your hand as you take out the trash, use the bathroom, change the litter box. Fearful that the one-second you aren't looking will be when they call. Pathetic. And something I have done as recently as last week." Next Excerpt >

Excerpt from Part 2: My Boyfriend Wrote A Book About Me
"My Gay Ex-boyfriends"

"He used his Ralph's club savings card at the supermarket (which they give you for free) and subtracted the amount he saved us from the rent he owed me because it was printed at the bottom of the receipt." Next Excerpt >

Excerpt from Part 3: My Boyfriend Wrote A Book About Me
"The Questionable Poo"

"I took a deep breath and then closed my eyes, "I need to show you my poo." Kyle reacted violently and quickly, "No! What?" I tried to explain, "It's questionable. I need you to go look at it. I would never ask you if it wasn't an emergency. Don't make this harder than it is." Next Excerpt >

Excerpt from Part 3: My Boyfriend Wrote A Book About Me
"The Saddest Bath"

"Kyle gathered his confidence. "I've decided that I don't want to get married, don't want to have kids, and I am going to cryogenically freeze myself. I've already started the paperwork." Kyle was telling me he didn't want to be with me AND that he wanted to live forever. Essentially he was saying I want to live for eternity without you." Next Excerpt >

Excerpt from Part 3: My Boyfriend Wrote A Book About Me
"My Landing Strip Is Stuck to You"

"A few days after the break up, I was back looking on craigslist for an apartment. I found and ad that read: "Do you like beer, hot bitches, and video games? Do want to live in a mansion?" The ad disgusted me. Who did this guy think he was? What a fucking pig. What kind of "hot bitch" would sleep with this loser? And then I saw the e-mail address. This guy was Kyle. Of course it was." Next Excerpt >

Excerpt from Part 3: My Boyfriend Wrote A Book About Me
"How a Lean Cuisine Spa Meal Ruined the Perfect Hook-up"

"In the voice of an official declaration I announced upon exit, "It's okay. Everyone, it's okay. I just threw up a Lean Cuisine Spa Meal. They're organic." That last bit of information seemed important for some reason." Next Excerpt >

Excerpt from Part 3: My Boyfriend Wrote A Book About Me
"Whore Bath"

"This guy was like eating an entire box of Thin Mints in the morning on the way to work and then telling everyone you had a Slim Fast shake." Next Excerpt >

Excerpt from Part 4: My Boyfriend Wrote A Book About Me
"Delta Employee Versus A Heartbroken Emotional Eater"

"A handsome dimpled Delta Employee spoke to me in a soft, soothing Barry White voice. I'm sure he was there because he had an aptitude for dealing with potentially angry customers. I also guess he'd slept with a few. He had that kind of charm. Dimpled dude got off to a great start, "Sorry about the delay." And then it went downhill, "I can't help but notice that you're…" He pantomimed a pregnant belly. My horrified look must have said it all. The female Delta employee next to him looked at him and shook her head and her high ponytail with it. I was in total shock and so was everyone in earshot. We were maybe in shock about different things. Me, that it could be said. Them, that it had been said." Next Excerpt >

Excerpt from Part 4: My Boyfriend Wrote A Book About Me
"What Do You Think of My Boobies?"

"In low moments when I feel like the only people who love me are my parents, I think about something my dermatologist once told me, "Fungus loves you." That's right. No matter what happens, fungus loves me. But fungus can't make dinner on Valentine's Day." Next Excerpt >

Excerpt from Part 5: My Boyfriend Wrote A Book About Me
"Gary, My Crazy-ass Horny Mailman?"

"Gary has lots of opinions about my mail and my life and my yard. And sometimes my mail is opened and my magazines read. I'm not going to lie, it's hard living in fear of your horny, retaliatory mailman, who now dyes his white hair jet black, but I guess it's nice to know there's one man out there who isn't intimidated by me owning my own house." Next Excerpt >

Excerpt from Part 5: My Boyfriend Wrote A Book About Me
"Past Life Regression Therapy"

"I think about what my friend Raina said to me when I told her I was going to Past Life Regression Therapy. "Good luck, I hope you weren't Hitler." Luckily, I don't think I was or I would have gotten better grades in German." Next Excerpt >

Excerpt from Part 6: My Boyfriend Wrote A Book About Me
"My Broken Vagina"

"The Male Doctor continued. "You said you met him at a reunion?" Uncomfortable, I squirmed, "Yeah, at a reunion. It's like shooting fish in a barrel." I had never used that phrase before and certainly not to a doctor who had his fingers in me. He put his free hand up as if to high-five me." Return to First Excerpt >